Bewitched

Boy: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Endora: Comme ci, comme ça.

Darrin Stephens: Sam, don't expect your mother to be gracious. She doesn't do imitations.

Endora: Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something which is 94 percent water.

Darrin Stephens: Oh, yeah! Well, what about something which is a hundred percent hot air?

Samantha: Then I thought of the most brilliant scientific mind of the age.

Dr. Bombay: Thank you.

Samantha: But he died a year ago, so I decided to call you.

Gladys Kravitz: (talking about Samantha) I bet she has some strange disease, and we could catch it. You want to wake up with something strange?

Abner Kravitz: I've been doing that for twenty years.

Samantha: I'm not a bad witch! I'm a good witch!

Darrin Stephens: Her mother's a bad witch.

(looking for Pleasure O'Reilly)

Thor Swenson: Do you have pleasure in this house?

Abner Kravitz: Sometimes, but not that often.

Samantha: Gladys, what are you doing?

Gladys Kravitz: I came over for a snoop, uh, a scoop of sugar. I hope I'm not disturbing you.

(Samantha and Darrin on their honeymoon)

Darrin Stephens: I wish I had a drink.

(drink appears in his hand)

Darrin Stephens: ...an Old Fashioned?

(an Old Fashioned drink appears)

Darrin Stephens: ...and a straw?

(straw appears in drink)

Darrin Stephens: You're a witch!

Samantha: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Abner Kravitz: Gladys, let's play house. You be the door and I'll shut you.

Mr. Mormiter: You know I don't believe in all this Christmas fuss. It's crass, commercial nonsense. It's, uh, it's, um...

Darrin Stephens: Try 'humbug.'

Samantha: Darling, I've been trying for weeks to give this house a thorough cleaning. These carpets are filthy.

Darrin Stephens: How can you worry about dirt on the rugs when we're about to see the surface of the moon?

Samantha: The moon could use a vacuuming too. All that dust... yych.

Darrin Stephens: Hello, sir.

Maurice: Please, why so formal? Call me Maurice.

Darrin Stephens: Okay... Maurice.

Maurice: Or Dad.

Darrin Stephens: Okay... Dad.

Maurice: You were right, "Sir" is best.

(Darrin calls Samantha from work)

Darrin Stephens: Hello, honey, this is your husband, D.

Samantha: D for darling, or D for dearest?

Darrin Stephens: D for dumb.

(Samantha is being taught how to drive by the pantaphopic, Harold Harold)

Samantha: How am I doing?

Harold Harold: I don't know how to phrase this exactly - you are rotten!

Endora: That's a human being for you, spend most of their lives running in circles for a series of nothing.

(Samatha tells Mr Finglehoff that she cannot help him without knowing the exact details of how he was changed from a frog to a human)

Fergus F. Finglehoff: I'm suffering a fate worse than death, and this yo-yo wants me to fill out a questionare!

(after finding out Samantha's been to the moon before)

Newscaster's Voice: With the evidence of this and future space voyages, we may be closer than we think to actually shooting a man to the moon.

Darrin Stephens: I could save them the trip.

Samantha: (to her mother) You know, this has been the strangest morning. First Darrin starts asking ridiculous questions and then you pop in like Lady Macbeth doing the neglected mother bit.

(Samantha has denied using witchcraft to dump Mr Finglehgoff into a park fountain)

Fergus F. Finglehoff: (wringing water out of his jacket) What do you think this is, chopped liver?

Samantha: Now when it comes to Santa Claus, most mortals don't believe he exists... just like they don't believe in witches.

Samantha: Try to control your temper. Remember, "Peace on earth, goodwill to men" includes witches.

Samantha: That was a mean, low, sneaky, underhanded trick!

Endora: Yes it was. And I'm quite pleased with myself.

Endora: Oh, darling, don't let a little thing like that bother you. You know how men are with their secretaries.

Endora: (casting spell on Serena and Samantha) The Corsican Brothers were hexed by a spell which will work on cousins just as well. From here on out without further ado, what Serena feels, Samantha will too!

Darrin Stephens: You remember Louise Tate, don't you, Serena?

Cousin Serena: Ohhhh yes! Hi, Louise!

Louise Tate: Hi!

Cousin Serena: (to Larry Tate so Louise can't hear them) Congratulations, Cotton-Top, you got a wild-looking chick there!

Uncle Arthur: One morning I shot a lion in my pajamas. Now, what he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know!

Darrin Stephens: I thought you and Hawkins were going to stay home and celebrate Humbug.