Columbo

General Padget: Someone promises once and doesn't deliver, well, that's a busy man. Promises twice, is not very efficient. Promises three times, I know when I'm being diddled.

Colonel Frank Brailie: The sexual life of a camel is much stranger than anyone thinks.

General Padget: He lies on the bank of the Nile and tries to make love to the Sphinx.

Colonel Frank Brailie: But the Sphinx is only a statue...

General Padget: ...Beset by the sands of the Nile.

Colonel Frank Brailie: And thus explains the camel's hump.

General Padget: And the Sphinx's unscrutable smile.

Lieutenant Columbo: There's just one more thing, sir.

Doris Buckner: I called the Commissioner and he said he'd send his very best man.

Roger Stanford: Is that a fact.

Lt. Columbo: My wife says I'm the second-best, she claims there are eighty men tied for first.

Max Dyson: What are you going to do about the test, Elliott?

Elliott Blake: I'm going to try and fool you, Max. Unless you back off.

Max Dyson: I can't do that. You can.

Elliott Blake: No, no, no. Gone too far now.

Max Dyson: For both of us. You better be good, kid.

Elliott Blake: Oh, I am, Max. I'm very good.

Elliott Blake: What is all this?

Max Dyson: It's a guillotine. I don't exactly get rich hiring out to people like Mr. Harrow. This? I build magic effects. I have a magic store downstairs.

(Max demonstrates by placing a head of cabbage in the guillotine, chopping it in half)

Max Dyson: Do me a favor? Lie down.

(nodding to the guillotine bench)

Elliott Blake: Why did you help me today, Max?

Max Dyson: Quite a little stunt we pulled. Maybe we should take it on the road.

Elliott Blake: Why, Max?

Max Dyson: You have to ask me that, after what we went through in Uganda? So we cooked up a little illusion for Mr. Harrow. I'll survive the insult. See how you like this.

(Max triggers the guillotine, and the blade falls, but leaves Elliott unharmed)

Max Dyson: Beautiful effects, huh?

Elliott Blake: You know, Max, for a moment this afternoon, I really thought you were going to betray me. Again.

Max Dyson: What do you mean?

Elliott Blake: Well, that show that you put on? Well, I thought it might be to, uh, make it up to me, you know? For what happened, in the prison?

(pulls out a revolver and points it at Max)

Elliott Blake: REMEMBER, Max? The escape we planned? And then, one day, you vanished! 'Max the Magnificent' was out. And the guards knew exactly where to look for my clever little escape tools, hm?

Max Dyson: My God, is that what you think?

Elliott Blake: I 'think' you sold me, Max. Freedom for you.

(cocks revolver)

Elliott Blake: THREE MORE YEARS for me!

Max Dyson: That isn't true!

Elliott Blake: And every hour, of every night, I dreamt of being like this -

Max Dyson: They let me go!

Elliott Blake: - here and now!

Max Dyson: I gave them money! I never betrayed you! I never gave them you! You want to kill me, you can, but... I remember what we meant to each other in that place. What we gave each other. And then put it together with this - CRAZINESS, IT - IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

(cringes, expecting Elliott to shoot)

Elliott Blake: (puts up revolver in non-threatening manner) Okay, Max.

(empties bullets from revolver)

Elliott Blake: I had to know.

Elliott Blake: No guilt to hide, hm? Finish up.

(Elliott picks up guillotine collar from the floor, and examines the 'safe' and 'danger' labels, figuring out how the guillotine trick works)

Elliott Blake: And then, uh, perhaps we can have a drink, hm?

Max Dyson: Almost done.

Elliott Blake: Well, you'll need this.

(puts collar in place, bolting it shut, trapping Max's head under the blade)

Max Dyson: No! What are you doing?

Elliott Blake: (pulling out safety bolt as he looks down on Max) Tell me again, about our 'friendship?'

Max Dyson: You don't understand, I had to get out of that place!

(Max screams as he sees the blade fall, before it kills him)

Elliott Blake: You didn't really think I had forgiven you, did you, Max?