Family Ties

Alex P. Keaton: Hey, I don't mind if I toot my own horn. Toot, toot!

Mallory Keaton: (panic-stricken) The light bulb is out in my bedroom! What are we going to do?

Andrew Keaton: Alex is reading me "Robin Hood," where he robs from the poor and gives to the rich.

Steven Keaton: That's not Robin Hood, that's Ronald Reagan.

(Alex has turned the house into a hotel to pay for car damage while parents were away)

Alex P. Keaton: I can explain everything!

Steven Keaton: Oh can you? Can you explain the valet parking in the drive way?... The flashing vacancy sign... in front of the house? The billboard on Route 41?

Mallory Keaton: Mom, I need to reevaluate my life. Do you have a minute?

Alex P. Keaton: (Referring to a current infatuation) Of all the Basic Applied Economic Principles of Capitalism in the Post-Industrial Era Seminars in the world, you had to walk into mine.

Alex P. Keaton: Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.

Mallory Keaton: Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.

Alex P. Keaton: People who have money don't need people.

(about his new boss, Rebecca Ryan)

Alex P. Keaton: Face it, Keaton. She wants you.

(Steven's reaction to Alex turning their house into a hotel)

Steven: Alex, parents are conditioned to put up with a few minor accidents when they leave their children home alone. A broken vase, spilt milk on the rug... There was a kangaroo... in my living room.

Alex P. Keaton: ...He was just here for the party dad.

Steven: Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Elyse Keaton: Alex was offended by our political magazines and ripped them up.

Alex P. Keaton: You have no proof.

Elyse Keaton: Yes we do. We found your rattle on the floor next to the evidence.

Alex P. Keaton: It could have Mallory's.

Elyse Keaton: It was your Nixon rattle.

Shrink: How do you know about Grant College?

Alex P. Keaton: My sister Mallory goes there.

(scoffs)

Alex P. Keaton: Grant College, the school that offers a course in the opening of an umbrella.

Shrink: I got an "A" in that course.

Steven Keaton: I can't wait to try this Pasta Alex, Alex.

(Speaks with womanly voice)

Alex P. Keaton: I love a man with a healthy appetite.

Alex P. Keaton: It's just like taking candy from a baby.

Jennifer: Brings back memories.

Alex P. Keaton: Remember when we were kids and I run you over with my bicycle?

Erwin 'Skippy' Handleman: Yes.

Alex P. Keaton: I have a car now.

Mallory Keaton: Dad, Alex, this is Jamie Carter.

Alex P. Keaton: Aaaaah!

(jumps into his father's arms)

Steven Keaton: It's okay, Alex. She said Jamie, not Jimmy.

(Uncle Ned is an alcoholic)

Alex P. Keaton: You just drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract.

Ned Donnelly: I'm sorry; did you want some?

Alex P. Keaton: Come on dad, do you plan to be mad at us forever?

Steven Keaton: ...that is my plan.

Alex P. Keaton: (after Nick makes Andy a dream hat, to help him go to sleep) I had not idea Nick could be so... useful.

Elyse Keaton: Don't you remember? We said we were going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping.

Steven Keaton: Well, I know we said it, I just didn't know we meant it.

(drunken Ned throws newspaper clipping in the fireplace)

Alex P. Keaton: Hey, don't do that. Here give me those.

Ned Donnelly: Leave me alone!

Alex P. Keaton: Give me those!

Ned Donnelly: (screaming) LEAVE ME ALONE!

(slaps Alex)

Steven Keaton: What the hell are you doing?

Ned Donnelly: I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. Sorry, Alex.

(Ned cries)

Steven Keaton: (quietly, but furious) All right, Ned. That's it. It's over. Right now, either you get some help... or you get the hell outta my house.

Andrew Keaton: Alex is King!

Alex P. Keaton: (Mallory scored higher than Alex on an IQ test) I want you, Mallory! I want you! I can take you with one brain tied behind my back!

Nick Moore: We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us / Just don't get gingivitis.

Steven Keaton: (later as he's sleeping) We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us/ Just don't get gingivitis.

(wakes up)

Steven Keaton: Elyse, I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was Nick.

Mallory Keaton: I shop, therefore I am.

Steven: (reading from a card given to him by Alex) "Alex is more than a son. He's a companion, a friend, whom I can spend many long hours with discussing the economy, world events and politics." Alex, if I read this out loud, I'm afraid I'll be struck by lightning.

(Alex nods towards Elyse)

Elyse Keaton: (reading from her card) Mom, please read the "Alex is more than a son" speech, if dad refuses.

Steven Keaton: I love you, Elyse.

Elyse Keaton: No, I love you more, Steven.

(Elyse and Steven make kissy noises through the telephone)

Alex P. Keaton: (shouting from upstairs) Oh, for crying… will you hang up the phone?

Steven Keaton: (walks into the kitchen) What's this?

Elyse Keaton: Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Malory is allergic to dogs.

Steven Keaton: What's this?

Elyse Keaton: It's a picture of Malory moving away.

Steven Keaton: (walks into the kitchen) What's this?

Elyse Keaton: Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Mallory is allergic to dogs.

Steven Keaton: What's this?

Elyse Keaton: It's a picture of Mallory moving away.