Hogan's Heroes

Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.

Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

(while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers)

Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.

Hogan: Carter.

Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape...

Hogan: Yeah?

Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

(repeated line)

Schultz: I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!

(a German truck flies by)

Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

(Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint)

General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?

Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.

General: But I don't want to leave the country.

Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?

General: I'm coming with you.

(Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking)

Colonel Klink: (to Burkhalter) ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

Colonel Klink: (runs to the window and shouts outside) Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

(Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence)

Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.

Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?

Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

(repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan)

Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

(in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo)

Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.

Captain: I have orders.

(Hands over papers with orders to Klink)

Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.

(Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper)

Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer."

(energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand)

Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.

(repeated line)

Colonel Klink: Dis-missed!

Colonel Klink: (trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid) ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz: (walking in to the office introducing a Captain) Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!

Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!

Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!

Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz: Illustrious Luft...

Colonel Klink: Shultz!

(a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area)

Guard: Nein!

Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

(toasting)

Hogan: Here's to our wives and sweethearts - may they never meet.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: (annoyed) Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: (sarcastically) Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

(repeated line)

Col. Wilhelm Klink: (on telephone) What was that?

(pause)

Col. Wilhelm Klink: (muttering) Oh yes, heil Hitler.