The Cosby Show

Theo: He's a minister Dad. He'll tell God we're crazy!

Clair: Getting up at 4am to prove who I am to three men who are basking in the non-existent rays of their own intelligence is *not* my idea of a fun time.

Theo: You guys act like you don't do some bad things to us, you know.

Clair: I would like to know what we ever asked you to do except hang up your clothes before they take root.

(the kids start screaming in frustration)

Cliff: We're not being paid to look after you all! And there's not a check big enough to take care of you!

Clair: (miming to a record in front of Cliff) Can-dy. That's what I call my sugar, Cand-dy. Ooo, how sweet is Candy. And Candy sure is sweet on me. She understands me. Yes, my understanding Candy. And she's mine

(record skips)

Clair: oh, all mine.

Theo: You two are the most obnoxious people that I ever met.

Rudy: Thank you, your grumpiness.

(after the saxophone opening theme ends)

Cliff: This is the best elevator music I've ever heard!

(the phone rings)

Cliff: Oh, not another Vanessa caller.

(Answers)

Cliff: Vanessa's Residence? No, she cannot come to the phone right now. Because it is now 10:05, and she cannot take any calls past 10 o'clock. No, I cannot take a message. I am her father. I am a doctor. I graduated from medical school, alright? Thank you for calling, this is a live voice.

Heathcliff Huxtable: And you're going to do it because I said so! I am your father!

Denise: (talking about Theo's bad baseball experience) Okay, so it took a little time. What's the big deal?

Cliff: Right! No big deal! Now there's the key. You guys always say things like "no big deal." Some of the greatest lies ever told by you kids - "No big deal." "I forgot." "I'll pay you back later." "It was like that when I found it. I swear, Mom, Dad...”

Cliff, Clair: It was like that when I found it.

Vanessa: (about the car she crashed) Mom, Dad, I just want to say that I'm really sorry.

Clair: Please add that to the list. "I'm really sorry."

Cliff: Yes, and the other one that's key - "What are you doing home so early?"

Kenny: (touches the door bell) Dang! Your father still working on the door bell, huh?

Theo: Yes, I guess he is. Come in, Kenny.

Kenny: (gives him a present) Happy graduation.

Theo: What is it?

Kenny: Open it.

Theo: (sits down on the sofa and opens it) Kenny, these are tube socks. They come in six pairs.

Kenny: Actually, five.

(shows his sox)

Kenny: I'll go get some tape to fix that door bell. We don't want our guests getting possessed. Walks out the door and closes it behind him.

Theo: Okay.

Theo: Dad, you invited Kenny? I told you there are no more tickets.

Cliff: Aw, come on, Theo. Kenny is like a mother or sister... he's like the brother you never had.

Theo: There's too much people and there's not enough tickets.

Cliff: If there's not enough, then uninvite him.

Theo: But the boy gave me tube socks.

Cliff: Well, then give him a ticket.

Cliff: (about Sondra and Elvin's baby) It'll be a boy named after me.

Clair: It might be a girl named after me.

Cliff: Still named after me. Heathcliff Female.

Heathcliff Huxtable: No 14-year old boy may wear a 95-dollar jacket unless he's on stage with his four brothers.

(after Theo tells Cliff to love him for who he really is when failing his classes)

Cliff: Theo

(short pause)

Cliff: . That's got to be the dumbest thing I ever heard!